Naughty Piggy Savors Humble Pie
Monday, 31 March 2003: NP News - Pattaya, Thailand.
Dailys News: Shame on you, Naughty Piggy, shame on you.
NP: For what, you A-hole?
Dailys News: Oh, I'm still reveling in last week's Oscar show.
NP: {rolls eyes} Oh, that. Won't people ever learn that the awards podium is not a bully pulpit for actor's political agendas, but a showcase for the obsessively vain? Or is that the same thing? Anyhow, I mean there are more important things to worry about on Oscar night.
Dailys News: Such as?
NP: Oh, it's the clothes, Darling! I mean what could be more important than that?
Dailys News: Kidman said, "Art is important."
NP: Yeah, while wearing an umpteen-thousand dollar pig-colored dress. And I ain't counting those precious gems of hers. Squeal! I got y'er art... right here, Dingo Lover!
Dailys News: You're incorrigible. Speaking of clothes, what's with the get up, NP? A stovepipe hat? You look rather...
NP: Shhh, I’m incognito. Us 'merikans can't be too careful these days. I'm going for that Canadian Bacon Look. That's only one degree away from Kevin Bacon, since he looks like a pig too.
Dailys News: Smart. The mustache is a superb touch.
NP: That? Oh, it's a souvenir from Mssr. Day-Lewis. How I love that man! He really was something in that Scorsese flick. Bill the Butcher scared the hell out of me.
Dailys News: I could see how he would seem frightening to one of your persuasion.
NP: {frowns}
Dailys News: Hoofed, that is. Tell me Naughty Piggy, you've been getting a lot of hate mail with regards to your jokey attitude at this time of world crisis. How do you respond to that?
NP: Well, as a professional pundit and armchair global-crisis analyst, I just sift through the junk mail in order to find my royalty checks. Some of them sure smell funny.
Dailys News: Do you feel that you've been forced to eat more than your fair share of humble pie?
NP: I love pie! It's a comfort food, you know. Is there any?
Dailys News: No, NP. There's no pie.
NP: Christ, I'm starving! What kind of flim-flam show are you running here?
Dailys News: Geez! What's eating you, Naughty?
NP: Oh, stop busting my chops! I'm... I'm sorry, I awoke on the wrong side of the pen this morning; my house is a pig-sty; I've run out of Xanex... it's this whole disinformation thing. One moment, I'm on edge. The next, it's ennui.
Dailys News: Disinformation thing?
NP: The news, you doofus! It's messing up my TV schedule. How am I supposed to focus on Anna Nicole or The Osbornes for that matter? I'm fed up with those "newsies." I don't know who to believe. I mean, I'm almost ready to switch back to margarine again. Look at me! I'm a nervous wreck. You know, I'm actually starting to like that Iraqi Information Minister. A silver-tongued devil, he is.
And you know what else? Aye carumba! Donald Rumsfeld seems more avuncular to me with each new day. I've had fantasies about him. {gasp} Late at night when I'm alone, I can here him. He's in here. {points at his head} Uncle Rumsy brandishing his buggy whip and hollerin', "I'm gonna tan 'yer hide, Naughty Piggy!"
That's it! I'm fed up! I'm going to start my own news channel, NP News!
Dailys News: That's a rather daunting undertaking, NP. There's some that might say your pearls of wisdom are a bit myopic.
NP: I resent that! My eyesight is perfect, but let me address the second part of your question first.
Dailys News: There was only one part to that statement.
NP: Shut up! I'm practicing. Can't a hog get a word in edgewise around here?
OK... Firstly, I say, "pearls before swine." If the masses can't appreciate my occasional spoonerisms, they can go buck a wild four. And secondly, what was the second part again?
Dailys News: {sigh} Let me word this carefully. Some might say you're lacking in certain... resources.
NP: I'll have you know that I'm very well informed. I do all my research on the television. There are times when I spend the entire day on the Internet too. I have ADSL. My hoof is on the pulse humanity.
Dailys News: Uh huh... Well then. I look forward to your reporting from the field. Signing off for...
NP: Wait! I've got a joke: What do you get when you cross a Turk and a Kurd?
Dailys News: Umm... Oh, you are naughty, Naughty.
NP: {squeals with laughter}
Dailys News: Signing off for now: Kimfucious. Dailys News. Thailand.
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