NP:  Welcome to NP NEWS’ Celebrity Spotlight on Hampstead Heath, up a tree with me, Naught E. Piggy.  Everyone, please welcome the newly announced gubernatorial candidate for the Golden State of California; U.S.A…  

... Arnold Schwarzenegger! 

AS:  {crowd stands and cheers} Yes, thank you.  It’s good to be here.  Thank you.  Yes, yes, yes…

NP:  {shouting over the crowd's cheers) A standing ovation!  You’re a hero, I tell you.  And, the the country's going to hell in a hand-basket.  Either that or Gray Davis really does suck.  Who knows!  It could be both, for Christ’s sake.

AS:  {loudly} Get down!  Everybody down—now! {waving his hands in the air—the crowd sits and settles}. 

NP:  Now there’s a white man with a black man’s tag-line if I ever heard one.  My God, man! You’re bigger than life.  You’re huge!  Look at you; you’re like some Austrian, genetically modified mutant DNA experiment freak-show.

Arnold:  Don’t push your luck with me little pig, who sits, eats, and talks behind the desk.

NP:  {flips open Zippo lighter and lights a cigarette}  Point taken Mr. … uh, negger.  {giggles} Schwarzenegger:  hmmm… was your daddy a negro, or was someone dippin’ into some brown sugar back in zee fatherland? {salutes!}

Arnold:  My father was neither black nor was he a plough-man; and for the record there’s never been a huge slave trade in Austria. 

NP:  Perhaps, he had a tan… hmmm.  Anyhow, you’ve been quite a busy little bee lately:  running around promoting T3 in the UK and now your announcement to run for governor.  I mean how much more famous can you be, Arnie?  I can call you Arnie, right?

Arnold:  No problemo.  You know, Mr. Naughty little Pig.  There was another famous little pig named Arnold on the TV once.  Do you know of him?

NP:  Of course, {rolls eyes and sings} Green Acres is the place to be… yeah, yeah, yeah.  just a bit before my time though, I’m not that ancient.  He’s dead now.  Your average oinker lives to be anywhere from 12-18 years; that is if no one eats them; then it's around two.

Arnold:   That too bad.  I liked that pig.  He was a funny pig.  How old are you?

NP:  I’m one and a half years old.  {screams melodramatically} I don’t wanna die!  See, Arnie?  I can act.  Hey, who’s doing the interviewing around here, anyway?

Craig Davies:  {enters from off-set and sings} Craig Davies!

AS:  Who are you?

CD:  Oh, I’m {sings} Craig Davies, famous UK house DJ-cum-recording artist.  I’m just here because when I sing my name like that it kind of sounds like {sings} Gray Davis; and that’s “proper Bo’” I tell thee.  Bo’ Selecta!  Isn’t that right, Kess?  This is Kess, my peregrine falcon, by the way.  You wanna to touch ‘er?

NP:  What in the wide world of fish n’ chips are you talking about?  Sod off, you crap bastard!  Security!  Get this a-hole out of here before he sings another word.  I do the singing on this show.  There’s only so many these "this-cum-that’s" one can take!

{Security escorts Craig Davies off-set}

Hang on, Arnie.  {NP picks up the phone on his desk and taps in a three digit extenion}.  Ya, Georgie?  NP, here.  Can you get me a #36?  … Yep … Uh, huh… Great.  … Um, Hang on… {to Arnold} You hungry?

AS:  {shakes his head}

NP:  Nope that’ll do it.  Great.  Oh, and make it snappy, I’m starving, OK?  Great.

Sorry about that.  So, where were we?  Right.  Now Arnold, what will you actually do in this pork-barrel world of politics?  No, forget that nobody really cares about what you’ll really do anyhow… this is a Hollywood world now:  action, good looks, and superficiality are your keys to success.  You know I was thinking who would be the perfect running mate for you?  I mean hypothetically speaking, I mean—since you’re a dirty foreigner and all, and you’ll never be President.  Maybe, you can do a movie about it, like Harrison Ford; but, anyway, I swear you and Johnny Knoxville would be the dynamic duo.  He’s indestructible, and ah so American!

AS:  Not a bad idea.  We could run on the Jackass Party ticket.  That sounds too Democratic though.

NP:  Oooh, low-blow.  Arnie’s taking off the kid gloves now.  {shadow boxes with hoofs}  Hai-ya!  {leaps into the flying crane position atop his chair}

AS:  Yes, we’ll have to put a spin on that whole donkey thing.  Have you considered a career as a political advisor? 

NP:  Well maybe, it’s just that that after reading that George Stephanopoulos book, it kinda gives me hives just thinking about it.  Have you thought of Tom Clancy?  He's written more pre-cog history than most--save perhaps... Nostrodamus?  I prefer the bully-pulpit of my talk-show chair where I can quip with beautiful people, footloose and fancy free.  Flippant remarks are one of my subroutines.   Most stars aren’t as cunning as politicians, so it makes me feel smart to slight them ever so subtlety while they sit there and smile.  I just love saying Stephanopoulos:  Stephanopoulos, Stephanopoulos, Stephanopoulos. 

Try it with me, Arnie!

AS:  {shrugs} It’s all Greek to me.

NP:  {cackles}  Ha, that was a good one!  So moving on, what do you say to the collective wisdom that says that you’re a man who’s literally porked his way into politics?  I mean, really, has schtupping Maria Shriver all these years somehow given you an insight to the affairs of state via some sort of sexual osmosis?  Or, should we just say that it’s just a hell of a lot better mental image than you taking it to Nancy Reagan like some muscled Barbarian ravaging a lathered old mare?

AS:  {silence}

NP:  …as they used to do back then.

AS:  {silence}

NP:   Just say no, perhaps?

AS:  {blinks}

AS:  Wait... Two words:  Hillary Clinton.

NP:  Damn, it took you a while, but--Son of a bitch--you’re right!  That hag is worse than any intern.  Who in the hell, voted for her anyhow?  The day she makes president is the day I join the frickin’ Al Quaida. 

AS:  I don’t think they take little pigs.

NP:  Good point, but I was joking, you moron.  Hey, are those lug nuts on your neck?  Why haven’t you done Frankenstein yet? You’d be a hell of a Frankenstein’s monster.  You know, you’re rich enough already, why do anything?  Surely, government service is a thankless job, especially with Gov being a dead end and all?  Honestly, I think you’re much more entertaining on film. And that’s what America needs:  good entertainment to help us forget all the bad politicians.

Georgie:  (enters from off set and sets down some food in from of NP)  Here you go NP.  Vinegar?

NP:  That’s right.  You’ve got me wired, Georgie.  Thanks a mil'.

Georgie:  No problem, NP.  {to Arnold}  Ello Gov.  'ow's it hangin?

AS:  Well, thank you, Georgie.

NP:  Hey, you stole my fag! 

Georgie:  {waves and walks off set smoking}

NP:  {Points a chip at Georgie}  Check out those gams.  I’m telling ya. Boom.  Pow! {makes obscene gesture}

AS:  {bounces eyebrows} Little NP, what are you eating there?

NP:  Fish and Chips with vinegar. Wanna a bite?

AS:  {grimaces}.  No, thank you.  What are you drinking?

NP:  That’s a real English ale, London Pride.  Wanna sip?

AS:  No, please.

NP:  What are you on a diet or something?

AS:  Always.  Shouldn't you?

NP: Tell me; doesn’t protein powder make you fart alot?  I’d imagine yours to be somewhat thunderous.

AS:  Just watch your Zippo around me, or it’s hasta la vista, Baby.

NP:  {belches voluminously}  Whoa.  Excuse' moi.  Well, I’m all crap outta ammo.  You wanna say something, Mr. Fancy-pants Governator?

AS:  Yes, and listen carefully all of you.  {dramatic pause}  Vote for me if you want to live!

{crows stand and cheers.  Arnold exits stage right}